Joy Comes in the Morning

As anyone knows, parent guilt is real.  Especially during the quarantine.  Kids are stir crazy and borrrrrreeddd.  Parents are desperately trying to make this as fun as possible, but there are only so many crafts, science experiments, and hikes a family can do.

So, I put my thinking camp on.  I think most of you know I love small businesses.  One of my favorite businesses that has supported my family ever since we returned to C'ville has been Bounce Play-n-Create.

My kids absolutely love the painting room not to mention the giant bouncy houses.  I realized that with the virus, Bounce Play-n-Create must be experiencing a downturn like most of us.  

I reached out to the owner, Steven, and we agreed to a partnership in which he'd provide one of his AMAZING bouncy house rentals at a discounted rate, and I would help him get the word out about his rental opportunities.  He has some of the coolest looking bouncy houses for rent.  He even includes an extra day for free!  You can see more here.

Steven's wife owns The Happy Cook, another local business, that's also feeling the effects of the virus.  The best news I heard was when Steven told me The Happy Cook is offering live streaming cooking classes.  YES--another reason to use my Le Creuset.

The rentals from Bounce Play-n-Create are exceptionally worth it for families who want to give their kids some physical activity that's right in their backyard. Steven also handles all of the setup and takedown.  Easy peasy, as my girls would say.


Our experience was very special, to say the least.

The Weight of the World

Wow.  What a world we live in.  Who would have suspected four weeks ago when I was celebrating my 35th birthday that I'd be almost four-weeks into quarantine with my five three-year-olds, our very patient Thai au pair (and friend), my husband, and our ten-year-old "white dog" as my son would call her (aka Ellie).

I'll be honest with you.  I battle anxiety.  I've battled it for years now.  It's like when the possibility of something bad arises, I immediately go to the place of it happening and bury myself in that worry, sadness, and fear.  This is something that's hard to manage as any individual, but it's even harder when you have five three-year-olds running around you, defying you, bringing new meaning to the word tantrum, all while pleading for your attention, needing your love and reassurance.

And, of course, all of this is happening while you're not even sure things are ok yourself. 

Beyond the help of our amazing au pair, who's been calm and collected through all of this, I knew I needed more help.  I talked with my doctor and my Christian counselor and we made some changes.  We decided I'd no longer watch the news.  It wasn't helping, and I would make a treatment plan for Luke.

You see, our son Luke gets febrile seizures, so if he catches the virus and has a fever we can't control, he may seize.  We have emergency medicine but it doesn't always work, which means we have to rush to the hopsital.  The idea of putting him (and Michael and me) in that setting scared me for our sake--and for our girls.  So, I created a "go bag" for Michael who will be the parent in charge of Luke as I stay with the girls. I also talked with Luke's doctor who gave me specific instructions on when (and when not) to bring him to the hospital.  With these small tweaks, my anxiety is receding.  

Granted, I'm still afraid.  And I'm still overwhelmed.  Oh, and both my husband and I are trying to work from home--full time.  My friend Ellen said it best the other day:

The thing I did not fully appreciate about being forced to work at home with 2 children under the age of 3 was the immense increase in stress, anxiety, and mom guilt. I knew it would be hard to keep a routine as a dual-income household, whose children know nothing else but that mommy and daddy go to work and they go to “school” every day. What I failed to appreciate was that now my children see me make the decision to stop playing with them to go into my bedroom/office to work each day as they play/learn in the other room or to take a work call while they are right in front of me eating lunch or playing. They don’t understand those boundaries because, well they shouldn’t have to, and they are far too young to understand why. And while I’m sure my kids are too young to be truly impacted by it, it breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. While I would much rather play with them all day, I have to provide for my family. And that stress on top of worrying about loved ones potentially getting this damn virus is honestly too much sometimes.

Ellen is right.  The guilt is real.  The sadness is real.  But so are the bills.  And so is the fear of providing for five kids who desperately want to go to church, CostCo, the library, music class, gymnastics, and all of the other fun places we go.  So, I've had to get creative.  We've gone to the creek.  We've made Fruit Loop Jewelry.  We've had pre-Easter egg hunts.  We've done everything this under-achieving Pinterest mama could manage.

So what keep's me going?  Well, my faith the God knew this was coming and He knows how it will end.  He was the God before the Earth (and COVID) were formed and He will be the God in the end.

And what else?

The love.  The love keeps me coming back.  These kiddos, depsite the three-year-old wicked crazy tantrums have so much love.  

What If....

I once read a quote that hit me hard..

What if you woke up today with only the things you said thank you for yesterday?

Whoa.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in gratitude and I listened to the whole Oprah podcast on it, and my guru Brene Brown says gratitude is how we drive out fear (clearly Brene doesn't have to send five kids to college at the same time someday, but we'll let that slide).  

I want to practice gratitude more.  But to think about it in a way as in I would only have today what I was grateful for yesterday?  My, how my life would be different.  

We all have struggles in different stages of our lives.  Given that I work with teenagers, I see the questions of a sense of self, first loves, fears of leaving home, and most of all--rejection.  I am in my mid-thirties with five three-year-olds, so I mostly feel exhaustion, fear of finances, and fear of sickness.  But, I see others who deal with caring for ailing parents, special needs children, spouses, etc.

Let's be honest..most of us don't live the life we imagined.  One of my favorite quotes in high school was Henry David Thoreau, 

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined.

Life the life I've imagined?  Psh. Let's be real, Henry David, this is not the life I imagined. As I reflect on our infertility struggle, I really just wanted a baby whose eyes pool into dark, mystifying muddy puddles like my husband's and a baby who would make us a family.   A family to decorate the Christmas tree and a family with whom I could see all of the national parks.  I wanted giggles and tickles and afternoon walks and a stroller. Not an eighteen-wheeler stroller like the one I have now--but God had other plans.  

I think what I'm trying to say is that most of us don't have exactly the life we imagined.  We probably have some of it (I do have a child whose eyes do pool into mystifying muddy puddles and I love it).  But still, most of us don't have all of the life we imagined.  But, my friends, that.  is.  ok.  I don't think this life was intended to give us everything we wanted.  If it did, we wouldn't anticipate heaven the way God wants us to.

My therapist encourages me to grieve the life I thought I would have (a few kids, a dog, one baby monitor, a double stroller and maybe a minivan). I think now I've come to realize that God was just teaching me that He made me for something different.  And He made you for something, too. Maybe something different than you intended. 

So, let's remember to be grateful--despite the aches, the grief, the fear, the pain.  This world is indeed broken, but there is light when you look for it.  

A baby update?  Well, their not babies anymore--that's for one.  Here's an update by kiddo and some silly photos and videos.  

Ava--Ava recently started gymnastics.  Ava is so brave.  She went into that gym knowing absolutely no one and never cried or clung to me.  She thirsts for knowledge and she loves to learn new "tricks."  Her favorite thing now is to "stick" every landing she can.  This girl has more bravery than I ever did.  I'm so proud of her.  

Ava getting ready for her first day at gymnastics class

Clara--I wish you guys could meet Clara.  She's so goofy and funny.  She still sings Jingle Bells in January and accepts every opportunity at nudity she gets.  She and Ava have a very special bond, but she's truly learned to play with all of her sisters.  I love that she seems to be the joy that holds everyone together.  Clara and Izzy recently started music class and they are loving it--though not nearly as much as they loved their trip to Grandma and Grandpa's house.  Now THAT was fun.

Clara is the one you think she is..right there in the center.

Clara with clothes on!

Clara and Izzy visit Grandma and Grandpa's house

Here are some Ava/Clara shenanigans:

This is Clara and Ava putting their "babies" to bed, saying the prayer we say with them each night.  Then, they say "Silent Night" to their babies, just like I sing to them each night.

This is just Ava/Clara antics.

Millie--Millie is pure compassion.  When I hurt my ankle over Thanksgiving, she put her little hand on my face and said: "Don't worry, Mom, I'll take care of you."  She's three.  But she'll take care of me?  Wow.  I now know who will be managing my nursing home care 40 years from now.  Millie continues to be our bookworm.  I offered music and gymnastics classes to her, but she asked if she could just go and "read books."  Yep, read books we shall, my love.  

Millie

Luke--Oh Luke Thomas.  He's still a friend of mine.  Luke is making tremendous progress at his ABA school.  He's now transitioning to going 9 am to 3 pm every day of the workweek.  He's such a big guy!  He probably has 50 words by now and best of all, he's starting to say, "I love you."  Girls, lookout. This boy is by far the sweetest, most calm, puzzle-loving dude out there.

Luke

Isabelle--the threes hit Izzy hard.  Isabelle has definitely developed some willfulness in her three-year-old stage, which has been hard for me given that she's my "baby baby"--the youngest of my babies (by six minutes).  I used to sing Justin Bieber's "Baby Baby" to her when she was small (don't judge--I was sleep deprived).  She's definitely the princess of the family, but now when you ask her something, her typical response is "Izzy says no."  Well, that doesn't work for this old gal, so we're trying all kinds of parenting tactics to help Isabelle work through her wilfulness.  ADVICE WELCOME!

My baby baby

Izzy and Clara with Grandpa at Grandma and Grandpa's House

As you may have seen on our Facebook page, we also changed the kids to "big kid" beds which have been a major change.  The girls absolutely love it, but they are staying up all night playing with each other (no toys allowed in their room).  They sing, play tag, play Ring around the Rosie, etc.  Luke has his own room and has already transitioned to a big boy bed.  So, one down--four to go.  It's so hard.  They say it gets better.  I'm hanging on that, please sweet Jesus.  

Does this look like summer camp to anyone else?

As I sit here and write, more than one sparrow has stopped and sat on the bench that I'm sitting on.  So I'll leave you with this verse from the book of Matthew:

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. 

Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 

And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...

Santa and Satan

Christmas is hard.  There, I said it.  I just want to take a moment to thank my mom for doing all that she did for all of these Christmases.  She cooked multiple-course meals, she planned countless events, she wrapped more presents than I can count, she smiled the sweetest smiles, she dressed my sister and me--she was the center of joy.  Thanks, Mom.  I can't imagine how tired you were--and are.  Dang.  I love you more--if that's even possible.

Christmas is hard.  As I was telling my therapist a few weeks ago, I felt pressure to feel joy.  The lights, the music, the Santas, the bell ringing, the Christmas cards of perfectly dressed families, the shopping--everything around me was saying..."Be happy!  It's Christmas!  Merry Christmas, Darling!  Ho, Ho Ho!".  But, honestly, my heart is heavy.

As much as I want to believe that God is at work (and He is), Satan's power is real.  He wriggles in between the tiny moments of joy with toddler tantrums, last-minute holiday cancellations, money anxieties, and unexpected illness. He slips in underneath each moment of joy with a question.."Is this enough..Do you love this/him/her enough?  Do you really need this?  What does tomorrow hold?  How will/can you handle that?" 

Moreover, Satan takes things that can be good and transforms them into inexplicable evil:  money, addiction, truthfulness, violence, medicine--and so much more.  

Just last Friday (the Friday before Christmas), God sent me a gift.  He sent me a friend (and her children).  They filled my heart with joy and reminded me that love transcends all.  Yes, Satan is real. He tempts us.  He teases us.  He worries us.  But, God is love.  God is truth.  God is full.  God is enough.  

As much as I want to say Christmas was perfect, it wasn't.

I raised my voice more than I wanted with my children.  I sprained my other ankle (yes, the other ankle after I sprained one at Thanksgiving).  I worried more than I should.  I feared for my family and my friends. I didn't feel joy all day on Christmas Day.  Sometimes I felt a little bit of resentment.  Let's just say it aloud.

But, our Lord God redeems this world.  And this world is a broken place where addiction and lies reign, and sickness and death are a conclusion.  But, they are merely a conclusion to THIS life.  God's redeemed world is on the other side--just waiting for us.  I, for one, know that I will see all of my dogs when I get there and eat my BigMama's coconut cake for breakfast.  I will tell God I wish I had done better and He will cover me with grace like a giant, warm sherpa blanket.

Let us rest in grace today.  God's not Santa.  Everything on this side of Heaven is not given to us.  Many things are taken away--often too soon.  But in Heaven, all is redeemed.  And all will be well.

Some photos to make you smile.