Family Vacation

Quarantine has been hard.  Let's just say that aloud.  Five kiddos in one house with two people working full time--yeesh.  

So, we started thinking about how to relieve some of the pressure.  We wondered if we could escape to a nearby lake.  I've been missing my parents terribly, so we invited them to join us (since they've been quarantining too).  My amazing niece, Emma Kate joined them.

We found this home on VRBO:  https://www.vrbo.com/1589164?noDates=true&utm_source=direct&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=earned:vrbo:sharecopylink:USA&utm_content=1589164&oc=DQfFfw_GisD7-t5U0u22X

Wow, right?  We couldn't afford to stay in this house, but the owners were amazingly generous and offered us a rate that made sense for our family.  Good people are still in this world.  The owners have been so responsive to our every need--I couldn't recommend this place more.  If you want a large lake home to rent--this one is for you!

Above and below are some photos from our trip.  Was it restful?  Not even. This is where I fight the anxiety monster (ie Satan).  He says, "You'll never feel rested again.  You never get a normal vacation.  You now have to go back to your life which is harder than this."

I try to tune out this exaggerating voice in my head and enjoy the children I have wanted for so long, but it's a challenge.  Because, well, I am tired (mentally and physically).  But, I tell myself that their ages are temporary and they won't always need me like this.  Still, the anxiety monster is real.  I just have to recognize him and tell myself that each day is a gift from God and God gives me the tools and the family/friends to help me through each day.  One day.  Daily bread.  That's what the Lord's prayer says.  So, that's what I try to think of (but often fail).

So, I may be going home a bit less refreshed than I hoped, but my heart is full.  Here are some more photos from our fun trip:

G is for...............Good Stuff

See?  Not Gratitude.  I feel like gratitude is one of those words like passion that was overused so much in the last several years that it's lost some of its meaning, so I'm choosing "Good Stuff."  

Really I'm borrowing this from my friend Kate who's been diligent about noticing the "good stuff" the quarantine and the virus has brought her.  Her words really inspire me on some days, so I thought I'd (hopefully) do the same today for you.

There have been several days, especially at the beginning of the quarantine, when I was racked with fear.  

My worries about my special needs son seemed to chased me into a darkness I couldn't make sense of--I was lost.  

Working full time from home, being a parent to five toddlers, trying to serve as my autistic son's therapist, grocery shopping, saving money, sanitizing, exercising (?!), missing my friends....it all hit me so hard that anxiety and sadness felt like words that could never quantify what I was feeling.

So, what do we do?  As my dad's mom, the original Clara Bolton (not my Clara) would say, "we just wade through."  We wade through each day and we do our best and hope that someday we will get some perspective.  And I think maybe I finally have some.

I finally started doing FaceTime dates with friends.

I figured out a better plan for Luke's therapy sessions at home with our au pair.

I established a better work schedule (yes that includes getting up at 4:00 am, but I revel in the quiet).

I forced myself to take walks.  It's not the rigorous exercise regimen I usually do, but it's something.

I'm facing my fears about germs, and I'm slowly realizing that I'm just going to have to be happy with saving whatever money as I can.  Feeding five toddlers plus a husband and an au pair is expensive.  That's life.

So, onto the good stuff, shall we?  Let's do it.  
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After a family Zoom call with my family last Sunday, Millie said, "I love our family.  They're the best."

Helmets at a campfire?  Safety first!

As we sat down to dinner on Thursday night, Isabelle put her hands together and said her own blessing.

Luke used the word "corner" with me--that's a huge word!

Clara is getting so good at riding her bike.

Cwara, as she says, loves owange.  That's her favorite color.

Ava loves helping me.  She's delighted to help put away dishes and clean up whatever mess I'm cleaning.  She also loves her Daddy more than life itself.

Luke is OBSESSED with the song "I Have a Dream" from Tangled.  He calls in the "Dream" song.  He especially loves it when my Disney-ballad singing husband belts it out for him.  These are the perfect two men to live with all of these ladies.  

My Disney Dudes

I love that I have the relationships I do with our au pair and our mother's helper.  They are such amazing women who love my children so much.  They make me laugh, think creatively, and feel gratitude in ways I never thought I could.

I am enjoying commuting less and giving my face a break from make up.

I am also enjoying a break for the constant go-go-go schedule that I usually run.  

Clara makes us laugh so much.  Michael calls her his Goofball.  She really is. I don't know where her sense of humor comes from, but I hope she never loses it.  I gave her a Mickey shirt I ordered off Ebay yesterday, and she said, "Oh Mommy, Cwara thinks it's bea-ti-ful!"

Millie still wants to get in my belly like she's a baby.  So once I have on my pajamas, she'll crawl under my shirt and snuggle in like she's in utero.  Weird, but sweet.

Isabelle was made to be a princess.  She walks around with a crown on most days.  

Ava may end up working for a government agency looking for criminals--she loves finding lost things:  pacifiers, toys, our dog, whatever it is--Ava is UP for the task.

That's it for now.  Sending you love and good stuff.

The Light Has a Call That's Hard to Hear

I woke up early this morning feeling rested (what?!), so I decided to take this opportunity to blog.

As most of you know, I struggle with anxiety.  I worry about dinner.  I worry about the cost of college.  I worry about the health of my son.  I worry about my daddy being too stressed.  I worry about my sister being too tired.  I worry if our rental house will rent.  I worry if we will be able to afford our aging dog's very expensive medicine.  I worry about my mama being lonely.  I worry about all of it.  I worry.  

So, as a result, I see a wonderful Christian counselor who's a God-send, and I walk.  I walk outside as much as I can and I listen to music (after I call my mama).  

She's one of my best friends and confidants (and the best florist I know).

My girls also love their KK.

This week, in listening to music I was brought back to a song that I listened to frequently after my second (and very traumatic) miscarriage.  This is the song, Closer to Fine, by the Indigo Girls.  One of the lines says:

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable

And lightness has a call that's hard to hear.

Isn't that true?  Especially in these days of COVID-19, the darkness IS insatiable.  At least it is for me.  One of my good friends was telling me she was listening to a sermon online, and the preacher said that being in quarantine is similar to the Saturday before Easter Sunday. Jesus was supposed to have risen, but He wasn't (yet).  And it was dark, and scary, and uncertain.  

Maybe that's how you're feeling today.  But, I would encourage you to listen for the soft call of the light.  Granted, it's difficult for me to hear because I have toddlers who are currently doing front flips out of their beds at 6:31 am (insert eye roll), but let's keep listening and keep waiting.  The light's there. It's coming.

One more anecdote I wanted to share.  I'm reading Max Lucado's book on anxiety, which is terrific by the way.  And he reminds his reader that when your car is broken, you take it to the shop, right?  Then, you leave your car and you go home, knowing that the expert will fix it.  You don't take your car to the shop, unfurl your sleeping bag, and stay there, asking questions, biting your finger nails, until it's fixed.

No, you take your worries to the expert and you leave them.  Knowing they're handled.  (My mind was blown.  Not sure 'bout yours).  Are you prayers like that?  Can't say that mine are?  I'll work on that.

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How are the kids these days?  Whew, they're a handful.  Age three is NOT for the faint of heart.  I'll give you an update by kiddo.

Ava:  whew, this child is either going to be a CEO or an FBI agent or wind up in some trouble someday.  She is SO motivated, SO stubborn, and SO insanely observant and smart.  She was reading a book about Paris yesterday with her Daddy.  But, she's also competitive (ahem, can't imagine where that comes from).  The girls were playing Hungry, Hungry Hippos the other day and Ava didn't get any marbles.  She fell into the floor crying because she couldn't win.  This girl has best actress in. the. bag.  

Clara:  Daddy calls her Goofball.  Because she is.  But she also has the temper of Tom Bolton (my daddy).  She has a fire hot temper over the smallest things--I can't wear shorts during a freeze warning?  Tantrum. There's no candy inside this boiled egg?  Tantrum. The nightlight isn't charged completely so it doesn't change colors?  Tantrum.  She's also silly Clara.  She has her own language that no one really understands but everyone loves.

Clara loves doing thumbs up!

L to R:  Ava, Clara, Isabelle, Millie

We call these two sisters (Ava and Clara) Bugs and Daffy.  They are silly and (usually) at odds while being playful.  

This little girl also has a special relationship with Daddy.  

Millie:  Oh my Millie.  At night, after we've put the girls to bed, Millie "reads" from memory books to her sisters and makes sure they can all see the pictures. 

She constantly asks me to "snuggle" and she tells me she loves me all the time.  Lately, though, Millie is having a hard time doing what she's asked, which makes me sad, but I know it's part of the age.  Hopefully, it will pass soon.

Luke:  I know I blogged about Luke last week, but he's such a fun guy (not the mushroom--hut hut).  He loves playing in our big family "bus."  He loves going for walks.  He loves reading and he loves PB&Js.  Since the girls have been watching Tangled NONSTOP, he's also taken to the song, "I Have a Dream."  If you haven't heard it, it's quite catchy.  But I love that he likes it because I want him to have dreams, no matter what disabilities he has.  He can have whatever dreams he wants.  And I'll be there to help him every step of the way.

Lukey and Grandma also have a very special relationship.

Isabelle:  Oh, princess Isabelle.  She is TOTALLY the princess of the crowd. She's always been my baby baby (the youngest of my babies) and she knows it.  But she's got some behavior issues, too.  She takes toys without asking.  She tinkles on herself for attention and she'll refuse just about any request just to see your reaction (Grrrrr).  But, she's my baby, baby.  She makes up these little songs about whatever she's doing.   She says please and thank you without prompting, and she still gives me eskimo kisses when I ask for them.  There's nothing I'd trade for that little diva.